hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
