I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
