i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
