This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
