I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
