im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
worst night to have a conscience
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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