i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
