if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Drunk is a universal language darling
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
