Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
