I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
we made out on top of his cat.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
