i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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