My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
