Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize