I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
