the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
