you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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