Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
