god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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