I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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