I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
