i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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