we have officially lost it.
Farmville is her only friend.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
