I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
