I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
