My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I hate all girls vehemently.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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