You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
