I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
