I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
This beer is not sobering me up at all
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
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