i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
high people should be assigned attendants
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
