omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
