White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I stole a fireplace last night.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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