Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
The ass gains better be worth it
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