I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
