I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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