dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
