Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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