My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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