i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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