he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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