hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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