you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
