I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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