ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
