everyone is single if you try hard enough
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
