Duck Duck Cougar?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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