I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
