I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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