Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Say something about gay babies.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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