What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
