is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
