i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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