does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
