Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
