T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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