Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
