perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
