made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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